Archive for the ‘Stuff that makes me laugh’ Category

Craig vs. Wild

February 13, 2009

This made me laugh. A lot. 




September 17, 2008

I have a good friend who is a writer. He writes poetry, essays, books, articles, devotions, and several other forms of literature that I can’t think of just now. The point is he writes. All the time. Every day. And He’s good. Really, really good. 

I struggle to make an email coherent. (Maybe I should Twitter. But I’m not that concise, so maybe not.)

I post this in honor of those of us who have a difficult time putting words together in a way that won’t cause their old High School English teacher’s heads to aspolde.


Why English Teachers Die Young

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master. 

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free. 

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. 

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E.coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef. 

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up. 

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. 

7. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. 

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM. 

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t. 

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup. 

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30. 

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze. 

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease. 

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. 

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth. 

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. 

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River. 

18. Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut. 

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do. 

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work. 

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while. 

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something. 

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant. 

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools. 

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up. 

26. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser. 

27. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs. 

28. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.



This Is Funny

September 12, 2008

I know I said I wouldn’t be posting as much, but this is too funny…



(HT- Challies)

Update – Watch it again and read the tag lines at the bottom, especially the one about David Gerrard about 2/3 of the way in.

Much Ado

August 10, 2008

I’m an introvert, so doing something in public that might call attention to myself causes me a to experience fairly high level of anxiety. 

Well, I went to the grocery store last week and saw a police cruiser in the parking lot with the officer sitting in the driver’s seat. I thought , “I ought to go tell him, ‘Thanks for doing what you do.’” But the little anxiety shot that comes with the thought of talking with “strangers” was enough to stop me. Besides, I was thinking thankful thoughts. Isn’t that enough?

I thought about why I didn’t say something for a while and scolded myself for letting this stupid personality quirk stop me from doing what I know is the right and good thing. And when I had scolded myself enough to make the guilt go away, I forgot about it.

Until this week.

Same grocery store, almost same parking place, maybe the same officer and cruiser.

I have the same thought, same anxiety, almost same reaction. Except this time I say to myself, before I walk past him, “Well, he looks busy. If he’s still here when I come out it means I’m supposed to say this to him, if he’s gone then….” 

I no sooner walk in and grab a cart when his partner walks right in front of me not ten feet away. But there’s people around and I freeze up. 

I walk on for about thirty seconds and decide I’ve got to do this. So I turn around go in the direction he was headed to find him. I find him, only he’s talking with a couple of people. Abort! Abort! 

I turn around.

Five minutes later, the first officer, the one that was in his cruiser, comes in and walks right past me.

This is getting ridiculous. 

I’ve got my groceries and I’m headed to the car. He’s back in the cruiser. I go up to him, say, “I just wanted to thank you for what you do.” He says, “You’re welcome.”.

I go on to the car.

No big deal. 

What a small thing. How hard I sometimes make small things.

It’s about time a celebrity kept his mouth shut

May 29, 2008

This place makes me smile.

Contemplative vs. Pragmatic

May 17, 2008


One Of My Favorite Writers

January 11, 2008

into-the-twilight.jpgI’m working on a couple of posts that are rather heavy, one on AIDS orphans, and I’m in need of a little levity. When that happens I often pick up a book by one of my favorite authors, Patrick F. McManus. Here is a portion of a story from, Into The Twilight, Endlessly Grousing. (If, by some astronomical chance, either Mr. McManus, or his laywers, or his publisher read this, I beg forgiveness instead of permission. I’m just trying to win you more readers!)

Hunting the Wily Avid

No greater bond exists between two male friends than shared ignorance. It’s wonderful. Shared knowledge is fine as far as it goes but one friend invariably knows more about a given topic than the other, thereby creating an intellectual imbalance. Shared ignorance on the other hand provides for perfect equilibrium. It is limitless. There is no end of topics for conversation based on mutual ignorance.

I have several really good pals with whom I share ignorance. We converse for hours about subjects we know nothing about. With most of my friends actual knowledge about a topic would lead to either very short conversations or even arguments that might grow bitter and ultimately destroy friendships.

“Why that’s not true.”
“Who says?”
“I say”
“Let’s look it up in the Guinness Book of World Records. There, see, I’m right, you moron! Ha ha ha ha!”

Arguments like that never arise when two friends enjoy shared ignorance of a topic.

“You know what’s causin’ all these earthquakes? It’s that hole in the ozone.”
“You’re right about that. It’s lettin’ in too much gravity.”
“Gravity, yeah, way too much of it. Gravity keeps buildin’ up and buildin’ up, and pretty soon, you got your earthquakes.”
“You’re right about that ol’ buddy.”

If either friend knew anything at all about holes in ozone, gravity, or earthquakes, he would be under an unrestrained compulsion to reveal this bit of knowledge and the conversation would abruptly end. Furthermore, an element of distrust would enter the relationship, because one of the friends would feel insecure in happily discoursing away on a topic he knows absolutely nothing about. He would be in constant fear of exposing his ignorance to assault by an actual thought or fact.

Eighty-seven percent of all conversations between friends are based on shared ignorance. It’s true. That’s the reason so many friendships last a lifetime. There’s even a procedure for testing a friend’s ignorance on a topic to see if it matches your own. It goes something like this.

“George, you know anything about the national debt?”
“Naw. You?
“Naw. But I’ll tell you what causes it. Too much gravity.”
“You got that right, ol’ buddy.”

After running their little test on shared ignorance, the two friends can then discourse in mutual confidence on a topic about which neither of them knows the slightest thing.

There, I feel a little better.

“WWE- Smack Down At The Stable”

December 27, 2007

I don’t quite know what to say about this, but I agree with Brant Hansen. It sounds very Monty Python-ish.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. Eveybody’s already seen it…

December 7, 2007

…but it makes me laugh everytime. (and these others do too.)

Let’s see, Holiday multi-culturalism plus religious ignorance….What could possibly go wrong?

December 5, 2007